I'm getting so frustrated with my creativity. I have all these amazing ideas in my head, but I just can't get them to come out! Whether its a lack of tools or lack of knowledge I don't really know, but it's really bothering me. I want to be amazing. I want to create beautiful things, but I'm just struggling right now. I don't know what it is.
I look at other peoples work and I think, Wow, I want to try that. Wow, that's amazing. Wow, I bet I could do that too.
But I can't.
I will attribute some of my frustration today to the fact that I only had about an hour of sunlight to work with. Once the sun goes down, it makes achieving my ideas that much harder. Especially without the proper tools.
Plus, with little kids running around the house, "Whatcha doin, whatcha doin?" Knocking over my tripod, dog barking, tv blaring...
It's not a very creativity conducive environment.
Oh well, I'll just have to try again tomorrow.

It's things like this that inspire me to be an obsessive Photoshop geek.

ob·ses·sive /əbˈsɛsɪv [uhb-ses-iv]
–adjective
1. being, pertaining to, or resembling an obsession: an obsessive fear
2. causing an obsession.
3. excessive, esp. extremely so.
–noun
4. someone who has an obsession or obsessions; a person who thinks or behaves in an obsessive manner.

There wasn't a dictionary entry for Photoshop.

geek /gik/
–noun Slang.
1. a carnival performer who performs sensationally morbid or disgusting acts, as biting off the head of a live chicken.
2. a peculiar or offensive person, esp. one who is perceived to be overly intellectual.
3. an expert in computers (a term of pride as self-reference, but often considered offensive when used by outsiders.)

I especially liked the first entry for geek. It speaks to me at 3:52 in the morning.

I'm in love.
It's time for me to stop hiding.
I'm ready to declare to the world.
I love my iPod!
The iTunes music store has turned into my new obsession. All the music I could ever want right there at my fingertips? It sounds too good to be true, doesn't it?
Well, believe it!
It's almost too easy. Almost.
I've spent so much time and money buying the hottest tunes lately. But I get to enjoy them for hours and hours, so it's all worth it.
(Of course there is a slight problem. After listening to my favorite songs over and over so many times, there comes a point where if I hear a certain song one more time, I might just kill myself. But that's a price I'm willing to pay.)
I listen to music everywhere now. In my bed, in the car, in the shower, at the grocery store. Pretty much everywhere except for work. That probably wouldn't fly too well, and I'm not in the mood to find another job. But you better believe the tunes are cranking until I'm walking through the door.

The poor thing is starting to show the wear and tear I put it through. Those earphones are on their last leg. I'm glad I invested in the protective cover or else I'm not sure my friend would still be around. If its not hooked to my head, it spends the rest of its life buried at the bottom of the black hole I have for a purse.
God bless silicone. For I don't know what I would do without my beloved pod.

My faux pas of the day. An oops, if you will.
At work today we got a call of two elementary school kids fighting.
One went inside the school, but the other left on foot.
He was described as a hispanic male wearing a white shirt, walking westbound.
I dispatched it as a hispanic whale.
Lovely.

New shoes. How great is that. These are my new shoes.
Ok, not these exact ones. I doubt mine were ever photographed for a catalog. And mine also happen to be green. But they are essentially the same thing.
Comfy, comfy, comfy.
Aside from the point that I have to wear band-aids on my heels so all my skin doesn't wear off, they are just fabulous.
Just give em little longer to break in and then I'll do away with those band-aids.
Squishy and waterproof. You don't get much better than that.
I'm not typically the outdoorsy, granola type. But with these shoes, I could pass for a Mount Everest expedition guide.
They even, almost, make me want to go hiking. But not quite.
I compromised by taking the dog for a walk.

Taylor and I are nuts!

We had way to much fun with the campfire.


Doing our "fire dance."


You may be wondering what this is.


No. We're not possessed.


It's a little thing called 15 second exposure!!


Creepy, huh.

I have found Heaven in the form of a pizza.
I don't think there are words to describe what it's like to eat my wonderful discovery.
Delightful. Lucious. Savory. Divine. Titillating.
I'm about to throw out my recommendation of the year, so brace yourselves.
For all you Utah Countians be prepared to be amazed.
If you find yourself craving wonderful in a physical form, take a little trip to American Fork.
632 West Main Street, American Fork to be exact. There you'll find a little place called The Cobblestone Cafe. It's right there next to Target.
Inside you will find the most incredibly delectable pizza you will ever taste.
Give it a chance. Let me know what you think.

Here's me with my hot boyfriend Chris. Ok, boyfriend doesn't quite apply anymore...seeing as he now lives a thousand miles away.
Today is exactly 39 days since he moved away and it hasn't exactly been the easiest 39 days of my life.
When I think about it, I go
"Wow, 39 days already?"
And then when I think about it some more, I go
"Only 39 days? It feels like a year since I saw him last."
And boy, do I miss him. Chris was my first real serious relationship. I dated him for about 6 months, and then he had to leave.
I still get mad thinking about it. It's not fair. We didn't get a fair chance to see how things would work between us.
We just didn't have enough time. Things were going great, but we weren't able to see how far we could have gone together.
I wouldn't wish this situation on anyone. I've sort of decided that I don't really feel very bad for people who get dumped. At least they can go away hating the other person. Not exactly pleasant, but at least they're not longing for the other person, knowing they want you too. Wondering what could have been, but knowing you will never find out.
Really, the only I comfort I get is to just tell myself that it wasn't meant to be or if it is meant to be, it will all work out. I guess I just have to remember all the good times we had, learn from the bad, and move on.

And I am. Moving on I mean. At least I'm trying my best to do so. I've been dating someone else and its going pretty good. I'm working and hanging out with friends, trying to stay distracted. But there's still not a day that goes by that I don't think about Chris. Just wishing I could see him again.
I get so angry when I think about that all we went through together. Knowing that there's not many people outside of family who know me as intimately as he does. He's been there with me through great times. But also supported me through the lowest of lows. He's seen the worst sides of me, but still stuck by me.
I feel like I had so much invested in our relationship, only to have it ripped away. It makes me want to shake my fists at the heavens and scream.
WHY DID IT HAVE TO HAPPEN THIS WAY?!?! IT'S NOT FAIR!!!
I guess all I can do is borrow a phrase I learned from Scotty.
Let go and let God.

Let me just start by saying thanks to everyone for another great Alchemist weekend!! I learned some great stuff, got triggered like no kidding, and after last night will never look at Jan and Lil the same ever again. (Rock on skinny dippers!!)
But seriously, that whole princess thing hit me hard and got me to thinking. I do not want to claim the fact that I run that energy, which is kind of sad. But its those darn princess grungies that I don't want to admit are mine! Yet there is no denying that I am one, so I might as well admit it and get it over with. So I'm gonna say it loud and proud. I AM A PRINCESS!!
(I'll deal with those grungy issues later...)

So now that I'm starting to sit down and actually share my thoughts here, I'm realizing how much I have to say. I don't know how to sort it all out. I feel like if I allowed it, everything would just spill out and this post would take 2 hours to read. There are so many things going on that I feel like I need to talk about. Family, job, boys, friends, etc.
I don't even know where to start. It's starting to feel overwhelming a little. I really have some issues I need to get off my chest, but I want to do it the right way for me. Most of these things have long stories and explanations
I guess I'll just have to take it one thing at a time and slowly chip away at my huge pile of stuff. So forgive me if I talk about things no one cares about. This is just my own form of personal therapy.