I'm very sad. Can you tell?
My iPod is broken.
(Sniff.)
I had to look at this depressing little iCon flashing on the screen.
I must admit, I shed a few tears.
How did this come about, you are asking? Well...it was an accident you see. Stupid, really.
You know those silver magnets that you throw in the air and they stick together? Well, ok that's not really a very good description. Bear with me.
Sophie was taking a bath and I needed something to do until she was ready to actually get clean. I was playing with said magnets. They're cheap entertainment. I went to lay down on Dad's bed and was going to finish watching March of the Penguins.
I had the magnets in my hand as I reached into my pocket to grab my iPod.
Well, you know how magnets are. They're very clingy.
It was only for 3 or 4 seconds, but the damage had been done.
Suddenly the emperor penguin and his egg were gone and all that was left was the sad little iPod and the sound of whatever's inside an iPod grinding away. It was a disturbing sound.
So now my task is to fix it. I'm not sure what or where or when exactly. I'm trying not to worry about it and I'm especially trying not to think about how much it's going to cost me. However, money is no object. My pod is like my child. I didn't realize how much I use it until I can't anymore.
Oh well. What's done is done. I'll get it fixed, but I will have to be tuneless in the meantime.

"Tonight at 9pm Flickr will be down for maintenance for up to four hours. We apologize for the length of this downtime, but we're making some big changes which will enable us to roll out new features faster. So ... it'll be worth it!"

I'm having a mental breakdown. It's now 1:32 AM. I still have 4 hours and 27 minutes left before I can go to sleep. I just don't know what to do with myself. I've lost all comprehension of the vastness of the internet. Without my Flickr, I just can't function. I have nothing to do except stare into the void of my computer screen.
I've read the obituaries twice tonight. I've checked pray4tori.com hoping for an update several times, but to no avail. I'm now watching Steel Magnolias for the millionth time in my life. It's not as funny as it used to be. Or maybe it's just because I'm not hyper.
I'm slowly drifting away into happy-sleep land. I really hope someone doesn't decide to die on me right now. I don't think I'm competant enough to be of much life-saving help at the moment.
All I can say is that this awful Flickr update better be worth it.

First of all, lets have a hoo-rah for 50 posts! Yay.
I've had quite the experiences with man's best friend this week.
Sad news. My boyfriend Bowen's puppy Roxy died. She got hit by a car. Sniff.
So I went over to his house last night to give him a big hug and took him out for ice cream.
Later that night, we had a little "funeral" for Roxy. It broke my heart to see Bowen so sad without his puppy. I remember when my rat Squeaks died. It was awful.
So, I got home and was feeling clingy towards my puppy, Cooper. I usually don't ever let him sleep in my room, but I decided to let him last night.
Big mistake.
Now, Cooper is a house trained dog. I never worry about him. But for some unknown reason, he chose last night to have an "accident."
So I had a rude awakening at about 3:30 this morning. It was not pleasant.
An hour of scrubbing up doggy mess later, I'm trying to decide if it was worth it to have my puppy still alive. Cause I almost killed him.

Goll, what a freaking rollercoaster.
The past week feels like a year. And all these days are so different! Usually my life is either leaning one way or the other. Everything's going great or everything just sucks.
But my hell.
Ups, downs, ins, outs, smiles, frowns, laughs, crys...
I'm not sure how much longer I can handle this. All the energy shifts are just exhausting.

Great weekend at Alchemists.
Always love it.
Not so great squabble with my mother.
Never fun.
Great night out with the girlfriends.
Love you Jes and Mel.
Not so great discovery about my baby brother.
Still love you Tay.
Having such good friends to back me up.
I'm loved.
Being in a situation where I need to be backed up.
Damn.

This is just brutal. I feel like I'm stretched thin and if something else heavy comes along, I'm going to rip.
I'll be okay though. I better be.
Thanks for the great advice Scotty. Let God take care of everything and just love the hell out of him.

I'm feeling a little blue today and I'm not sure why. I've been doing really good for awhile, which is sadly unusual for me. But I'm not complaining. More ups than downs is rather nice. I think I'll keep it up.
But the downs were bound to catch up with me sooner or later.
I really get irritated when I feel sad for no good reason. But I just do. I just get sad sometimes. I'm working on it though.
I think deep down, I have an idea as to why I'm feeling this way, but there's a 94.6% chance that it's irrational thinking, so I don't want to voice it aloud. It might make it seem more real that way and I really don't want it to.
Then I would just be reaffirming my negative, guilty, selfish thinking. I've been working hard to do away with that.
I need to push away all my sad, wallowing, misunderstood, self-pitying nonsense that I've believed for far too long.
I'm being positive! I'm being confident! I am the creator of my life!
I feel cheered up already.
I've been taking a Photoshop class and I'm having fun playing with all the different things I've learned. I think that might become my new emergency, make-me-happy, feel-good activity.

I was interrupted during Monday night Simpsons.
THIS IS FOX 13 BREAKING NEWS.....
I knew it would've had to be something about Destiny. It's the biggest news story in the state right now. They wouldn't interrupt The Simpsons for just anything.
You could tell it wasn't going to be good even before anything was said.
And unfortunately...I was right.
"Tonight at approximately 8:30 pm, the body of Destiny Norton was found..."
As soon as the words were said, I could feel something draining, not just out of me, but out of everyone. Once the awful news was out, I could feel a somber sadness all around me. (Even though I was watching tv all alone in my bedroom.)
It made me think about my five year old Sophie and what I would do if anything ever happened to her. How devastated I would be if someone did to my little Fofee what they did to little Destiny. Or anyone I care about for that matter.
I don't think there are words to describe the grief I imagine I'd feel. Anguish, agony, despair. It brings tears to my eyes thinking about it.
I can't understand how someone would have the gall to take another's life into their own hands and cut it short.
But I also can't understand the reactions of some to the tragic news.
Suddenly all the hope and community and esprit de corps was forgotten. Suddenly it was only anger and criticism and blame. And all towards the ones who worked hardest to bring her home.
Now the anger I can understand. But I feel it was sadly, horribly misdirected.
Having never lost someone one close to me, it is hard for me to judge the people in this situation. But I do know, had it been me, I would've been on my knees thanking those Officers for doing all in their power to help.
Knowing many Officers personally and working closely with them on almost a daily basis, I know the commitment these men and women put into their jobs. It becomes more than a way to pay the bills. It become their duty.
If you were to ask any Officer in the state, I guarantee that every single one of them would've given their life to bring Destiny home.
I think Destiny's so-called "family" would do well to remember that.
Remember her life and also respect the lives lost and given in service to the rest of us.

I feel like I have a lot I need to say, but none of it is important or profound enough to write down. Or possibly, it just plain doesn't make sense. I've had a lot of thoughts and feelings in the last little bit and I'm trying to sort them out.
My life feels like a blur at the moment. It's hard to distinguish one day from the next. Nothing happens that is memorable enough for me to discern it from the events of the previous day. Days are zooming by, and yet they seem to be dragging.
I feel like my life consists of sleeping and working. I feel like I have nothing to dread or look forward to. I have no plans, no events to engage in, no getaways to anticipate. I just sort of am.
I exist, but that seems to be about it right now. Everyday is like the one before and will be like the one that follows. It's hard to get joy out of a life that seems routine and monotonous.
I do have things to look forward to, but they seem so far in the future that starting to think about them now just seems silly.
I've been trying to add flavor to my life. I've been trying to make plans and set goals and have something to accomplish. But it seems that everything just falls through. Things don't work out, people bail on you, not enough time, not enough money.
And I know thats life, but when your life becomes this humdrum, day to day routine, not being able to change it even when you want to becomes frustrating and discouraging.
I start to wonder...will my life always be like this? Wanting to make things happen that are just not meant to be?

Here's me with my hot boyfriend Chris. Ok, boyfriend doesn't quite apply anymore...seeing as he now lives a thousand miles away.
Today is exactly 39 days since he moved away and it hasn't exactly been the easiest 39 days of my life.
When I think about it, I go
"Wow, 39 days already?"
And then when I think about it some more, I go
"Only 39 days? It feels like a year since I saw him last."
And boy, do I miss him. Chris was my first real serious relationship. I dated him for about 6 months, and then he had to leave.
I still get mad thinking about it. It's not fair. We didn't get a fair chance to see how things would work between us.
We just didn't have enough time. Things were going great, but we weren't able to see how far we could have gone together.
I wouldn't wish this situation on anyone. I've sort of decided that I don't really feel very bad for people who get dumped. At least they can go away hating the other person. Not exactly pleasant, but at least they're not longing for the other person, knowing they want you too. Wondering what could have been, but knowing you will never find out.
Really, the only I comfort I get is to just tell myself that it wasn't meant to be or if it is meant to be, it will all work out. I guess I just have to remember all the good times we had, learn from the bad, and move on.

And I am. Moving on I mean. At least I'm trying my best to do so. I've been dating someone else and its going pretty good. I'm working and hanging out with friends, trying to stay distracted. But there's still not a day that goes by that I don't think about Chris. Just wishing I could see him again.
I get so angry when I think about that all we went through together. Knowing that there's not many people outside of family who know me as intimately as he does. He's been there with me through great times. But also supported me through the lowest of lows. He's seen the worst sides of me, but still stuck by me.
I feel like I had so much invested in our relationship, only to have it ripped away. It makes me want to shake my fists at the heavens and scream.
WHY DID IT HAVE TO HAPPEN THIS WAY?!?! IT'S NOT FAIR!!!
I guess all I can do is borrow a phrase I learned from Scotty.
Let go and let God.