I'm not sure I can do this much longer. I've never been so tired in my entire life. It's not like, Oh I'm so tired today. It's a constant exhaustion.
I swear I sleep ten hours a day, but I wake up even more tired than I was when I went to sleep.
It's a vicious, awful, terrible cycle. I feel like I'm dying very, verrry slowly.
I'm starting to get a little bitter about it. I never see the light of day. I never get normal contact with other people. The ONLY things I can usually do with myself is catch a late movie or go to Walmart. (Story of my life...)
I'm counting down. Only 14 more workdays of graveyards. Sigh...

"Tonight at 9pm Flickr will be down for maintenance for up to four hours. We apologize for the length of this downtime, but we're making some big changes which will enable us to roll out new features faster. So ... it'll be worth it!"

I'm having a mental breakdown. It's now 1:32 AM. I still have 4 hours and 27 minutes left before I can go to sleep. I just don't know what to do with myself. I've lost all comprehension of the vastness of the internet. Without my Flickr, I just can't function. I have nothing to do except stare into the void of my computer screen.
I've read the obituaries twice tonight. I've checked pray4tori.com hoping for an update several times, but to no avail. I'm now watching Steel Magnolias for the millionth time in my life. It's not as funny as it used to be. Or maybe it's just because I'm not hyper.
I'm slowly drifting away into happy-sleep land. I really hope someone doesn't decide to die on me right now. I don't think I'm competant enough to be of much life-saving help at the moment.
All I can say is that this awful Flickr update better be worth it.

I'm getting so frustrated with my creativity. I have all these amazing ideas in my head, but I just can't get them to come out! Whether its a lack of tools or lack of knowledge I don't really know, but it's really bothering me. I want to be amazing. I want to create beautiful things, but I'm just struggling right now. I don't know what it is.
I look at other peoples work and I think, Wow, I want to try that. Wow, that's amazing. Wow, I bet I could do that too.
But I can't.
I will attribute some of my frustration today to the fact that I only had about an hour of sunlight to work with. Once the sun goes down, it makes achieving my ideas that much harder. Especially without the proper tools.
Plus, with little kids running around the house, "Whatcha doin, whatcha doin?" Knocking over my tripod, dog barking, tv blaring...
It's not a very creativity conducive environment.
Oh well, I'll just have to try again tomorrow.

I'm feeling disgruntled and I need to rant. So if you are in a happy place and wish to stay there, I would advise that you discontinue reading right now.
There are a few things in this world that annoy me. Things I just don't get.
I think that people who want to be allowed out in public should have to pass a common sense test. I feel like I encounter way too many people who just don't have the brains to be out and about.

Things that annoy me.
~People who don't know how to drive. I got stuck behind this car today going four miles under the speed limit and hugged the left side of the lane when he made a right turn. I wanted to slash his tires!

~People who don't understand the self check-out at Walmart. I got stuck behind this lady who was staring at the scanner like a monkey doing a math problem for like ten minutes. IT TALKS TO YOU! IT'S NOT THAT HARD! IT WALKS YOU THROUGH STEP BY STEP! Also, when people bring two loaded down carts full of groceries and try to squeeze them all on the little bag holder platform. It irks me.

~People who are control freaks. I get bothered when someone has to have their hand in EVERYTHING! Does anyone else feel not trusted by someone who has to always be in control? Someone who always has to know what's going on even if it doesn't involve them? Irritated.

~Working weekends. I work every single weekend. I realize the fact that I most likely will be doing so for a long time. I've accepted it. I'm moving on.
However. It really sucks when everyone else works on my days off. Then I have nothing to do with myself and I end up wishing I was at work. It makes life seem very pointless.

~Rude people. I won't even get into this one. Grown women who act like children? You know who you are and I hope you get smitten for what you did to my friend. Rude.


I think I'd better stop before I get into trouble.
I apologize for passing on my hateful feelings.
But I do feel better.

Seen & Heard (& Done)

~Went to three different movie stores trying to find The DaVinci Code.
~Made friends with Andrew at Hollywood Video.
~Danced the Electric Slide at cousin Courtney's wedding reception.
~Ate a most disgusting pasta dish at Applebees.
~Watched John Tucker Must Die.
~Entertained myself realizing how well I can predict the events of any given movie these days.
~Filled up my car for $2.09 a gallon.
~Finished another disk of ER season 2.
~Started and finished my first scarf of the year.
~Slept in til 4:00 due to one nasty headache.
~Got a nice back massage from Dr. Trent.
~Made the unofficial switch to caffeine free Diet Coke.

I feel so out of touch.
Uneducated. Ignorant. Naive.
I typically consider myself a reasonably intelligent person, but after today, I'm questioning everything I ever knew.
Ok, back up. Let's start from the beginning.
As of last week, I am officially finished with training and am now a full-time employee for the City of Orem Department of Public Safety.
(And there was much rejoicing...)
So with this newly earned title comes a few perks. Most importantly, a raise! And I also pass into the adult world with the added responsibilty of knowing and understanding the complex and confusing world that is benefits.
Now, seeing the fact that I am only 20 years old, I have never given much thought to health insurance and/or retirement accounts.
Insurance? Already have it, thanks Dad. Retirement? Not for a loooong time. Not worrying about it right now.
But today, I had to worry.
Before I can even blink I'm suddenly having to make decisions about 401(k) and 457 plans and International stock fund growth and deferred compensation and deductibles and premiums and...(sigh)
I'm really glad I talked a little bit about this stuff with Dad last night, or else it would have been completely over my head instead of just mostly over my head.
I know, I know...I'm supposed to learn this stuff. But honstly. In my perfect world, I will transition smoothly into the loving, knowledgeable hands of my husband who will be more than willing to handle all the insurance, taxes, loans, and financial nonsense that I have no patience for. It'll be great.

Goll, what a freaking rollercoaster.
The past week feels like a year. And all these days are so different! Usually my life is either leaning one way or the other. Everything's going great or everything just sucks.
But my hell.
Ups, downs, ins, outs, smiles, frowns, laughs, crys...
I'm not sure how much longer I can handle this. All the energy shifts are just exhausting.

Great weekend at Alchemists.
Always love it.
Not so great squabble with my mother.
Never fun.
Great night out with the girlfriends.
Love you Jes and Mel.
Not so great discovery about my baby brother.
Still love you Tay.
Having such good friends to back me up.
I'm loved.
Being in a situation where I need to be backed up.
Damn.

This is just brutal. I feel like I'm stretched thin and if something else heavy comes along, I'm going to rip.
I'll be okay though. I better be.
Thanks for the great advice Scotty. Let God take care of everything and just love the hell out of him.

I live an impatient life.
This is not a new development, but I've been deep in thought about it lately.
I'm not one of those super busy people who is constantly running around in circles, picking up the kids, going grocery shopping, cleaning the house, making dinner...
My life is pretty routine. I wake up, go to work, come home, go to sleep. On my days off, I like to sleep in a bit, but I usually don't have big plans of how I'm going to make my day super productive. I typically do whatever I feel like doing. That may or may not be anything productive or useful.
I think my sense of urgency is more of an internal thing. I want everything now and I don't want to wait around.
If I find something I want at the store, I don't waste time shopping around. What? I could get a better deal somewhere else? Not important.
Picture this. I get a brilliant idea. Maybe its something creative, maybe I want to make something, maybe its nothing brilliant at all. Do I wait until the next time I go to the store? No. I drop everything I'm doing, (usually not much), and take a trip down to the store.
What's that you say? It's 11:30 at night? Does that stop me? I think not.
Long term goals are hard for me. Four years of college? Who has time for that?
Thinking about the future? What about now?
I guess I'm just weird.

I'm feeling a little blue today and I'm not sure why. I've been doing really good for awhile, which is sadly unusual for me. But I'm not complaining. More ups than downs is rather nice. I think I'll keep it up.
But the downs were bound to catch up with me sooner or later.
I really get irritated when I feel sad for no good reason. But I just do. I just get sad sometimes. I'm working on it though.
I think deep down, I have an idea as to why I'm feeling this way, but there's a 94.6% chance that it's irrational thinking, so I don't want to voice it aloud. It might make it seem more real that way and I really don't want it to.
Then I would just be reaffirming my negative, guilty, selfish thinking. I've been working hard to do away with that.
I need to push away all my sad, wallowing, misunderstood, self-pitying nonsense that I've believed for far too long.
I'm being positive! I'm being confident! I am the creator of my life!
I feel cheered up already.
I've been taking a Photoshop class and I'm having fun playing with all the different things I've learned. I think that might become my new emergency, make-me-happy, feel-good activity.

I am not okay.
It is 47 degrees right now.
It is September.
Does anyone else see a problem with this?
I'm about to have a melt down. (Although I supposed that's impossible. More like a freeze up.)
I admit. I did have a bout of the gripes amidst the 100-degree heat wave/no air conditioning in my car episode we had this summer, but I take it all back! I swear on my firstborn child I'll never complain about being hot again!
If this is the alternative, I'd rather swelter in a South American jungle for the rest of my life.
The wind and the rain and cold....(shudder)
I'm at a point in my life where I'm still the newbie at work. Therefore, I get "volunteered" to fetch lunch for the rest of the group nearly every day. Most of the time I don't mind. It gives me a chance to stretch my legs.
But today, what with the torrential downpour and hurricane force winds, trying to balance seven sacks of Wendy's hamburgers and five large sodas whilst trying not to slip and die in a parking lot puddle was not my idea of a good time.
The only thing that made me feel better was watching a much superior co-worker trying to get out of her car, struggle with an umbrella for about five minutes, and ultimately become very wet and even more embarrassed.
Although, I guess I should be feeling bad for my unfortunate mother. She was manning her booth at the Holy Cow boutique all day, and because of a mix-up, had set to up camp outside. The poor dear nearly froze to death and about sold her soul to me when I brought her some hot chocolate.
So I guess things could have been worse.
But still, there's no excuse. After this torture, I will be expecting high 70's/low 80's until well into October, thank you.

Some people. I swear.
Let me give you a general idea of the things I deal with at my job. Here's an exerpt of a phone conversation I had this very afternoon. Now keep in mind that this lady was very old and probably senile.
But still!! That's no excuse!!

Me: 911, what is your emergency?

Her: I need help!

Me: Ok ma'am, what's the problem?

Her: I can't figure out how to use the speaker phone!

Me: What?

Her: The speaker phone. I can't figure out how it works!

Me: Ma'am, this is 911.

Her: I know. How do you work it?

Me: Ma'am, 911 is for emergencies only.

Her: Well this is an emergency to me!!

Me: Ma'am 911 is for police and ambulance.

Her: I just need to figure out how to work my speaker phone.

Me: Ok, well is there someone there with you who can help you figure it out?

Her: No, I'm here by myself.

Me: Ok, well ma'am, there's not much I can do for you.

CLICK

Me: Grrrr

ANGRY, ANGRY, ANGRY! I'M SO ANGRY!!
Ok, I'm not really that angry anymore, but I was. It was amazing how quickly I became consumed by the rage inside of me. I wasn't feeling at all upset ten seconds before I started screaming. But then it hit me and I couldn't scream loud enough. Suddenly it was like a poison that would kill me if I didn't get it out.
Pounding on the floor was great.
Shrieking in Wyatt's face was great.
The howling and yelling and crying was great.
But boy, am I paying the price now. I woke up on Sunday morning and could hardly move. It seemed every muscle in my body had frozen up. I have sore muscles that I didn't even know existed. My hand and feet muscles hurt. My throat muscles hurt. I just hurt all over.
I felt different than everyone else during this process. I was noticing that most everyone else had one or more persons they were angry at. Someone else to scream at. Someone who needed to be punished for the pain they had caused that person.
I was sitting there beforehand trying to figure out who it was I needed to scream at. It wasn't immediately evident who that person was.
It wasn't until Lynell pointed it out that it finally clicked. That person was me.

I feel like I have a lot I need to say, but none of it is important or profound enough to write down. Or possibly, it just plain doesn't make sense. I've had a lot of thoughts and feelings in the last little bit and I'm trying to sort them out.
My life feels like a blur at the moment. It's hard to distinguish one day from the next. Nothing happens that is memorable enough for me to discern it from the events of the previous day. Days are zooming by, and yet they seem to be dragging.
I feel like my life consists of sleeping and working. I feel like I have nothing to dread or look forward to. I have no plans, no events to engage in, no getaways to anticipate. I just sort of am.
I exist, but that seems to be about it right now. Everyday is like the one before and will be like the one that follows. It's hard to get joy out of a life that seems routine and monotonous.
I do have things to look forward to, but they seem so far in the future that starting to think about them now just seems silly.
I've been trying to add flavor to my life. I've been trying to make plans and set goals and have something to accomplish. But it seems that everything just falls through. Things don't work out, people bail on you, not enough time, not enough money.
And I know thats life, but when your life becomes this humdrum, day to day routine, not being able to change it even when you want to becomes frustrating and discouraging.
I start to wonder...will my life always be like this? Wanting to make things happen that are just not meant to be?

There are probably several different ways to define a love/hate relationship. Usually when I think of a love/hate relationship, I think of something that I love, but I hate that I love it.
Like ice cream. I think I can honestly say I love ice cream more than most people. It's so delectably delicious. It's possible that I could eat ice cream for every meal of the day.
But of course with all the pleasure my tastebuds receive, there are also some nasty side effects. Calories, for example. If God was going to create something that tasted so good, why would He make it so deadly to swimsuit season?? It's just not fair.
But recently, I experienced a new kind of love/hate relationship.
Taco Bell. You know, think outside the bun?? Talking chihuahuas?? Yes, thats the one.
Until recently, I would have listed Taco Bell as one of my top fast food joints. However that is no longer the case.
So this love/hate relationship could probably most accurately be described as something I used to love, but now, quite fervently, hate.
Whenever I dine at this particular restaurant, I usually order two of three different menu items.
Supreme Chalupa
Ranchero Chicken Soft Taco
Spicy Chicken Burrito
These choices have always treated me well. However, on my last Taco Bell encounter, that was not the case.
I made a routine lunchtime stop at the Taco Bell in Centerville. I ordered my usual, Supreme Chalupa and Spicy Chicken Burrito.
Not only was our service horrible, the food was cold and hard. Gross.
I was able to choke it down and thought that would be the end of that meal.
Oh no. After a visit to the Walmart bathroom and another one to the side of the road, I was finally rid of that horrid meal.
When I think about it, I'm very saddened by the whole ordeal. I really liked Taco Bell, but now I'm not sure I'll ever be able to eat there again.
So I guess this relationship will have to be defined as something I love, but I sure hate what they did to me.

Here's me with my hot boyfriend Chris. Ok, boyfriend doesn't quite apply anymore...seeing as he now lives a thousand miles away.
Today is exactly 39 days since he moved away and it hasn't exactly been the easiest 39 days of my life.
When I think about it, I go
"Wow, 39 days already?"
And then when I think about it some more, I go
"Only 39 days? It feels like a year since I saw him last."
And boy, do I miss him. Chris was my first real serious relationship. I dated him for about 6 months, and then he had to leave.
I still get mad thinking about it. It's not fair. We didn't get a fair chance to see how things would work between us.
We just didn't have enough time. Things were going great, but we weren't able to see how far we could have gone together.
I wouldn't wish this situation on anyone. I've sort of decided that I don't really feel very bad for people who get dumped. At least they can go away hating the other person. Not exactly pleasant, but at least they're not longing for the other person, knowing they want you too. Wondering what could have been, but knowing you will never find out.
Really, the only I comfort I get is to just tell myself that it wasn't meant to be or if it is meant to be, it will all work out. I guess I just have to remember all the good times we had, learn from the bad, and move on.

And I am. Moving on I mean. At least I'm trying my best to do so. I've been dating someone else and its going pretty good. I'm working and hanging out with friends, trying to stay distracted. But there's still not a day that goes by that I don't think about Chris. Just wishing I could see him again.
I get so angry when I think about that all we went through together. Knowing that there's not many people outside of family who know me as intimately as he does. He's been there with me through great times. But also supported me through the lowest of lows. He's seen the worst sides of me, but still stuck by me.
I feel like I had so much invested in our relationship, only to have it ripped away. It makes me want to shake my fists at the heavens and scream.
WHY DID IT HAVE TO HAPPEN THIS WAY?!?! IT'S NOT FAIR!!!
I guess all I can do is borrow a phrase I learned from Scotty.
Let go and let God.